You Are More

 

This song gives me strength I need to face the day. Its message is something I must constantly remind myself of.

You wanna know something you might wanna try? When I feel like harming myself, I instead write the word "MORE" on my wrist to remind me of my Savior who died so I would not have to be defined by my sins...the God who sent His one and only son to die so I truly could be more than the mistakes I've made. It's really nice to have that beautiful reminder when the world around you feels so dark and cold.

Please listen- truly listen- to what this song is saying. It's something I believe everyone needs to hear...because, friends, you are more... <3

With Love,
xLiveOutLoudx

Crying Is Not Weakness

A few weeks ago, I went to the movies with my friends to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Everyone around me was bawling her eyes out, yet sitting there watching this heartbreaking movie, I could not shed a single tear. I, too, felt sad...I wanted to cry...but regardless of how my heart ached and my thoughts raced for the little boy, my face remained dry and stoic.

Too many times when things were crazy at my house and the tears would fall down my cheeks, my mom would scoff and say, "I'll give you something to cry about," or push me aside with a, "Why are YOU crying, you little bitch? I'M the victim!" I grew up afraid to cry. And not only was I fearful, but resentful. I was angry at the woman screaming in my face- I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me break down. I didn't wanna let her win. I didn't wanna show weakness. I would do everything I could to act like her actions didn't bother me. But too many “it doesn’t hurt”s, and "it's all good"s can really affect a person...

This may sound a little crazy, but one of my most treasured memories is the night I ran away, one of God's angels (let's call her R) and I were having a heart-to-heart on the bench in her meditation circle. I had just hung up with my dad...who was yelling and crying and who basically told me life as I know it was about to be over. And of all of the beautiful, wonderful, comforting, inspirational things R said to me that weekend, one that sticks out most in my mind was when she put her hand on my knee that cold night on the bench and said, "Please let yourself cry." 

Please let yourself cry? Please let yourself cry! It finally hit me. I am only human! I am allowed to have emotions...I am allowed to cry. And so I did. I sobbed and sobbed into her shoulder until it was so dark outside we couldn't see a foot in front of us. And you know what? As broken as my heart was and as embarrassing as it was to have trails of mascara running down my splotchy face, it felt good. It felt really good.

Do you, too, have trouble allowing yourself to cry? Has "crying is weakness" been drilled into your head one time too many? Well, guess what...whoever told you that was wrong. Crying is a sign of humanity, and regardless of what you are told or how you are treated, you have a right to express your feelings just as any other human would. Honest tears cleanse your heart and soul and relieve tension. And crying is certainly not a sign of weakness. Someone really special to me once explained it like this: Nature gave us two ways of showing our emotions, laughter and crying. Crying is not a sign of weakness just as laughter is not a sign of strength.

So, grab the tissue box and let yourself break down once and while...you're allowed... <3

With Love,
xLiveOutLoudx

You Are Beautiful

You Are Beautiful

 

I used to hate looking in the mirror...I always did my best to avoid eye contact with the person staring back at me. All I saw was a frizzy-haired, freckle-faced, broken girl who ruined my parents' lives. I punished myself everyday because I never felt I was good enough for anyone. I felt like I- someone who could cause so much hurt and confusion- didn't deserve to be treated with respect...didn't deserve to live. I absolutely despised myself

Do you, too, have memories of experiences that affect the way you see yourself today? You may be able to "understand" those experiences...to understand that your parents' criticisms didn't mean they don't love you...or that the bullies at school were acting out of their own insecurities...but unfortunately, this doesn't make the memories any less hurtful or their hold on your heart any less powerful.

Well, my friends, I have some bad news. Those feelings of utter worthlessness and inadequacy? Yeah, feelings like those will insinuate their way into nearly every area of your life- into your friendships, your school work, your romances, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself. When you let those negative feelings consume you like that, you'll come to find yourself in a many seemingly hopeless situations...trust me on that one.

But do not fret! There is good news, too. You are more than what is hurting you tonight. And no matter what mistakes you've made, YOU are not a mistake. You were made by a perfect God who makes no mistakes. And that same perfect Creator? He tells us we are more than the problems we create...more than the choices that we've made...more than the sum of our past mistakes! No matter how great that sum may be. He sent his one and only son to die for all of those mistakes we make. He loves you so, so much...for you- the good, bad, and the ugly. He knew your name and loved you before you even took your first breath. And you know what that means? You aren't beautiful because your hair looks nice or because you got the lead in the school play...you are beautiful because you are YOU!

So no matter your past mistakes or the harsh criticisms placed upon you, you are beautiful. Right now. Today. Just as you are. Just the way you look as you read those three words: You. Are. Beautiful.

I know what you're thinking...and I understand. All this is so, so much easier said than done. A lifetime pattern of self-denigration is not going to simply disappear overnight. For me, it's definitely a constant battle. But we cant give up! You and I both are going to have to learn how to replace our automatic criticisms with praise and thoughts of our Creator who makes no mistakes.

Practice seeing yourself the way God does... <3

With love,
xLiveOutLoudx

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is new creation;
old things have passed away;
behold, all things have become new.”
2 Corinthians 5:17

"It's Not Me; It's YOU!"

I know that it is important to try to look for the positive in every situation, but I'm also learning that sometimes you just gotta step back and yell out, "It's not me; It's YOU!"

When you need a little help gettin' out all that pent-up anger, here is a song that may help you to do so. I'm all about peace and optimism, but everyone could use the occasional "angry song," right? This is one of mine. :)

"It's not me; It's YOU!" Try it some time. I dare you. It's good for the soul... <3 ;)

With Love,
xLiveOutLoudx

Everyone Has A Story

I am not a satanic bitch. 
I am not a rotten daughter.
I am not a bastard child.
I am not a murderous spirit. 
I am not a punishment.

My name is Cassidy. I'm your everyday awkward 17-year-old, trying to make my way through the ups and downs on this roller coaster we call life. But I am learning I am more than just a teenager...more than just a daughter...more than just a sister...more than just a high school student...more than any label that may be placed upon me. I am Cassidy. I am my own individual. Every individual has his or her own story to tell. This is mine.

To the outside world, we have always been the perfect family. Perfect parents. Perfect children. It’s an act we’ve practiced since before I can remember. We’ve perfected it over the years.

With it, though, I was always forced to bottle up my emotions. I was forced to grin and bear it. I had no voice. 

But one can only handle that for so long.

From the time I was a little girl, I've felt like I was worthless. Rotten. A mistake. 

I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been called a satanic child, or told I alone was the reason my parents would never be happy. 

The minutes my mother has been on phone, telling us she was calling the orphanage to set up a time to drop us off.

The car rides in which she would purposely swerve off the road, telling us to enjoy our last few moments of life, and that when we die, it would be all our faults.

The nights I spent wondering where she was...if she had left the state or thrown herself off a bridge somewhere.

The times I've been told that she and Daddy were gonna die, and when they did I could "dance on their graves" for that was what I wanted. 

The tears I've cried.

The words I've screamed.

The plans I've made to end it all.

As a little girl, I used to spend hours crying in my room, trying to find reason in it all. I desperately tried and tried to come up with ways to be a better child. Tried to come up with a reason for all the craziness. 

Now I'm learning there is no reason it it all, for "it all" was irrational. "It all" was out of illness. 

"It all'' isn't me. 

If I only knew then what I know now...

Desperate to be in control, I sought relief in dragging razor blades and knives across my skin and in depriving myself of things like food and sleep. I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy...like I needed to be punished. After all, that was what I was told, wasn't it? I didnt deserve to be happy when I was the cause of so much sadness and pain. I hated myself.  

And I justified all of the dysfunction and hurt in my own head. 

I saw people living on the streets, kids dying of cancer...with all those terrible things in the world, what was simply being upset? I had a roof over my head...ate meals every day...had clothes on my body...how dare I be upset when I was so blessed! 

But I have to remind myself each and every day that while we should all be incredibly grateful for the blessings we receive, it is still okay to react to hard times. 

It is okay to feel what you feel, when you feel it.

When it comes to sadness, trauma, tragedy, pain...it's to each, his or her own.

Emotional abuse. Just because there are no broken bones, does not mean it doesn’t exist. I have invisible scars as deep as an ocean. Words. They cut into your heart like a knife and leave you to suffer in silence.

I am not a satanic bitch. 
I am not a rotten daughter.
I am not a bastard child.
I am not a murderous spirit. 
I am not a punishment.

I am not a mistake. God makes no mistakes. But that doesn't mean we don't. We all fall short sometimes. We are all human. We are all sinners. I, for one, screw up more than most people I know. But God says we are more than the sum of our past mistakes. We've been remade. And you know what that means? I am beautiful because I am His. 

I learned that for the first time last month...

God works in mysterious ways. I, for one, believe that He sends angels. I will surely tell you about my experiences with two of His angels in another entry. Those angels are the reason I am still here. They taught me almost everything I write to you in this blog. 

I have learned so much. But is everything all better now? Ha! No. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's just not that simple. There's no quick fix. The dysfunction continues. And me? I still cry. I still shake. I still have trouble eating regularly. I'm learning things like this stick with you forever. 

I will always have these scars. But they do fade. A relationship with God can help them fade faster. 

You know, having faith isn't always easy. A relationship with God can mean making sacrifices- giving up old habits and old ways of thinking. The Bible never promised a smooth road. People harshly question what you believe...why you believe it...the way you believe it... That can be really difficult. 

I, for one, hate feeling the judgmental eyes of my sister on me...the skeptical looks of my friends and siblings when I tell them how I'm learning to love God and how He's gonna change me. I tell them I'm getting to know God better, and then I totally screw something up. Because of this screw up, I'm called a hypocrite. A phony. I'm shunned.

But they don't understand. I'm learning...I'm growing. Loving God doesn't mean always being #1 daughter or sister-of-the-year- it means having a relationship with your Father who sees all of those mistakes and all the broken pieces and loves you anyway. 

As it stands now? I'm still pretty darn messed up. I've learned all this, yet still have an awful time taking my own advice...trouble convincing myself I deserve to have emotions...trouble feeling like I deserve to be happy, healthy and loved.

But I will never again give up on myself. If you take just one thing from this, please promise me you, too, will work to do the same. I know that's hard...may even seem completely impossible...

You may feel you are too deep in regret...too sad...too misunderstood...too hurt...too confused...too scared...too busy...too disconnected...too messed up...but you're never "too" anything for God. 

There are so, so many hurting people out there. We all have our broken pieces. The paths we embark on throughout this life can be pretty crazy and overwhelming. 

I'm starting this blog to in an attempt to help you along your journey. 

To share with you lessons I've learned and offer words of encouragement. 

To tell you what I wish someone would have told me years ago. 

To teach you about your Father who loves you unconditionally.

To let you know that you're not alone...you're never alone. 

Everyone has a story. Our lives are like books waiting to be filled. There is no better time than now to take a pen to those pages and redefine what kind of legacy you leave. And I would love to help you and support you in that process. As Matthew West so wonderfully puts it, "This is the story of your life, and it's a story worth telling." 

Hang in there, guys... <3 

With love, 
xLiveOutLoudx