Everyone Has A Story

I am not a satanic bitch. 
I am not a rotten daughter.
I am not a bastard child.
I am not a murderous spirit. 
I am not a punishment.

My name is Cassidy. I'm your everyday awkward 17-year-old, trying to make my way through the ups and downs on this roller coaster we call life. But I am learning I am more than just a teenager...more than just a daughter...more than just a sister...more than just a high school student...more than any label that may be placed upon me. I am Cassidy. I am my own individual. Every individual has his or her own story to tell. This is mine.

To the outside world, we have always been the perfect family. Perfect parents. Perfect children. It’s an act we’ve practiced since before I can remember. We’ve perfected it over the years.

With it, though, I was always forced to bottle up my emotions. I was forced to grin and bear it. I had no voice. 

But one can only handle that for so long.

From the time I was a little girl, I've felt like I was worthless. Rotten. A mistake. 

I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been called a satanic child, or told I alone was the reason my parents would never be happy. 

The minutes my mother has been on phone, telling us she was calling the orphanage to set up a time to drop us off.

The car rides in which she would purposely swerve off the road, telling us to enjoy our last few moments of life, and that when we die, it would be all our faults.

The nights I spent wondering where she was...if she had left the state or thrown herself off a bridge somewhere.

The times I've been told that she and Daddy were gonna die, and when they did I could "dance on their graves" for that was what I wanted. 

The tears I've cried.

The words I've screamed.

The plans I've made to end it all.

As a little girl, I used to spend hours crying in my room, trying to find reason in it all. I desperately tried and tried to come up with ways to be a better child. Tried to come up with a reason for all the craziness. 

Now I'm learning there is no reason it it all, for "it all" was irrational. "It all" was out of illness. 

"It all'' isn't me. 

If I only knew then what I know now...

Desperate to be in control, I sought relief in dragging razor blades and knives across my skin and in depriving myself of things like food and sleep. I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy...like I needed to be punished. After all, that was what I was told, wasn't it? I didnt deserve to be happy when I was the cause of so much sadness and pain. I hated myself.  

And I justified all of the dysfunction and hurt in my own head. 

I saw people living on the streets, kids dying of cancer...with all those terrible things in the world, what was simply being upset? I had a roof over my head...ate meals every day...had clothes on my body...how dare I be upset when I was so blessed! 

But I have to remind myself each and every day that while we should all be incredibly grateful for the blessings we receive, it is still okay to react to hard times. 

It is okay to feel what you feel, when you feel it.

When it comes to sadness, trauma, tragedy, pain...it's to each, his or her own.

Emotional abuse. Just because there are no broken bones, does not mean it doesn’t exist. I have invisible scars as deep as an ocean. Words. They cut into your heart like a knife and leave you to suffer in silence.

I am not a satanic bitch. 
I am not a rotten daughter.
I am not a bastard child.
I am not a murderous spirit. 
I am not a punishment.

I am not a mistake. God makes no mistakes. But that doesn't mean we don't. We all fall short sometimes. We are all human. We are all sinners. I, for one, screw up more than most people I know. But God says we are more than the sum of our past mistakes. We've been remade. And you know what that means? I am beautiful because I am His. 

I learned that for the first time last month...

God works in mysterious ways. I, for one, believe that He sends angels. I will surely tell you about my experiences with two of His angels in another entry. Those angels are the reason I am still here. They taught me almost everything I write to you in this blog. 

I have learned so much. But is everything all better now? Ha! No. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's just not that simple. There's no quick fix. The dysfunction continues. And me? I still cry. I still shake. I still have trouble eating regularly. I'm learning things like this stick with you forever. 

I will always have these scars. But they do fade. A relationship with God can help them fade faster. 

You know, having faith isn't always easy. A relationship with God can mean making sacrifices- giving up old habits and old ways of thinking. The Bible never promised a smooth road. People harshly question what you believe...why you believe it...the way you believe it... That can be really difficult. 

I, for one, hate feeling the judgmental eyes of my sister on me...the skeptical looks of my friends and siblings when I tell them how I'm learning to love God and how He's gonna change me. I tell them I'm getting to know God better, and then I totally screw something up. Because of this screw up, I'm called a hypocrite. A phony. I'm shunned.

But they don't understand. I'm learning...I'm growing. Loving God doesn't mean always being #1 daughter or sister-of-the-year- it means having a relationship with your Father who sees all of those mistakes and all the broken pieces and loves you anyway. 

As it stands now? I'm still pretty darn messed up. I've learned all this, yet still have an awful time taking my own advice...trouble convincing myself I deserve to have emotions...trouble feeling like I deserve to be happy, healthy and loved.

But I will never again give up on myself. If you take just one thing from this, please promise me you, too, will work to do the same. I know that's hard...may even seem completely impossible...

You may feel you are too deep in regret...too sad...too misunderstood...too hurt...too confused...too scared...too busy...too disconnected...too messed up...but you're never "too" anything for God. 

There are so, so many hurting people out there. We all have our broken pieces. The paths we embark on throughout this life can be pretty crazy and overwhelming. 

I'm starting this blog to in an attempt to help you along your journey. 

To share with you lessons I've learned and offer words of encouragement. 

To tell you what I wish someone would have told me years ago. 

To teach you about your Father who loves you unconditionally.

To let you know that you're not alone...you're never alone. 

Everyone has a story. Our lives are like books waiting to be filled. There is no better time than now to take a pen to those pages and redefine what kind of legacy you leave. And I would love to help you and support you in that process. As Matthew West so wonderfully puts it, "This is the story of your life, and it's a story worth telling." 

Hang in there, guys... <3 

With love, 
xLiveOutLoudx